Parenting
CARING FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE AND BEYOND
(This blog is part 3 of a series. Read Part 1 and Part 2)The following suggestions are made to help you and your children in this time of psychological and emotional stress.
MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
Think of your children’s well-being before acting. This may prove difficult because of your own feelings, needs, and emotions. Counseling with a professional may help.
Maintain your own composure and emotional balance as much as possible.Try to keep your sense of humor. Concentrate on parenting while you are with the children and keep your composure around the children at all times. Set aside a specific time every day to worry and be sad. It should be after the children are asleep or when they are not at home.
Watch your body language, tone of voice, as well as what you say. Continuing anger or bitterness toward your former partner can injure your children far more than the dissolution itself. The feelings you show are more important than the words you use.
Do not overlook the fact that you are only human and admit it. You will not be able to be a perfect parent (no one is whether in good or bad times). Resolve to attempt to improve day by day.
PROVIDE STABILITY AND REASSURANCE
Assure your children that they are not to blame for the break-up and that they are not being rejected or abandoned. Children, especially the young ones, often mistakenly feel they have done something wrong and believe that the problems in the family are the result of their own misdeeds. Small children may feel that some action or secret wish of theirs has caused trouble between their parents. Explain to them that they are not going to lose their mom or dad.
As a product of the marriage, your child has one-half of your genes and one-half of his other parent’s. Therefore think about the skills and positive attributes of the other parent. Share these with your children to build their self-esteem.
Try not to upset the children’s routine too abruptly. Children need a sense of continuity and it is disturbing to them if they must cope with too many changes all at once.
Marriage breakdown is always hard on the children. They may not always show their distress or realize at first what this will mean to them. Parents should be direct and simple in telling children what is happening and why, and in a way that a child can understand and digest. This will vary with the circumstances and with each child’s age and comprehension. The worst course is to try to hush things up and make a child feel he or she must not talk or even think about what he or she sees is going on. The child must be allowed to express unhappy feelings. If the child asks questions, explanations should be brief, prompt, direct, and honest.
Don’t let the guilt you may feel about the marriage breakdown interfere with disciplining the children. Children need and want to know quite clearly what is expected of them. Parents must be ready to say “NO” when necessary.
Offer the children the opportunity to see a counselor for professional assistance.
DO NOT DRAW CHILDREN INTO THE CONFLICT OR ADULT WORRIES
Do not criticize the other parent in front of the children. This is difficult but absolutely necessary. For a child’s healthy development, it is important for him to respect both parents and believe both parents respect each other, even if that is not the truth.
Do not force or encourage your children to take sides. To do so encourages frustration, guilt, and resentment. Allow your children to be children. Do not confide in them, whatever their age.
The dissolution of a marriage often leads to financial pressures on both parents. Do not discuss finances with the children. Never mention payment or non-payment of support.
Always remember that doing the right thing often is not immediately rewarded.However, doing the right thing will have a positive and lasting impact upon your children, and only serve to enhance your relationship with them, and the love they feel for you as they mature and grow.
KEEP THE OTHER PARENT INFORMED
Make an effort to keep the other parent informed and involved in the children’s lives, especially if the children spend most of their time with you. E-mail and fax information frequently, but stick to the facts to avoid arguments.
Give the other parent copies of all notices sent home from school and make all appointments for the children at a time when the other parent can attend, if possible, regardless of whether the parent actually attends.
Keep a pad and pencil and a manila envelope near the refrigerator. If the child has information or an accomplishment, write it down immediately, so that all can remember to tell the other parent. This shows the child that you respect the other parent. You can put copies of notices in this envelope as well as copies of some schoolwork and artwork for the child to take to the other parent. Make this practice reciprocal; it should not include messages between parents or money exchange—nothing to cause stress or difficulty for the child.
Attorney Sarah Hobson at Hobson and Hobson, P.C. are powerful advocates for those who fight for better futures for those going through divorce and custody law matters.
