Parenting
PROTECTING THE CHILDREN DURING A DIVORCE
(This blog is part 1 of a series. Read Part 2 and Part 3.)
FOUR PRINCIPLES YOU CAN IMPLEMENT TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH YOUR DIVORCE
If you are thinking about a divorce, you are probably worried about how it will affect your children. Fortunately, children can survive a divorce with a minimum of harm if parents follow these four basic principles: exclusion, reassurance, example, and monitoring.
1. Exclusion: Children are not parties to the divorce. Consequently, they should not be part of the process. Fighting in front of children (even behind closed doors) should be curtailed as it involves them in the conflict. Parental conflict is very damaging to children. Studies show that children who experience parental conflict suffer serious negative consequences that persist into adulthood.
Children should never be brought into the conflict as pals, confidants, spies, or pawns. Forming a friendship with a child not only confuses the child because of the role change but tends to remove the parent as an authority figure. Confiding in children dumps emotional issues on them that they are simply not mature enough to deal with. Pumping children for information on the other spouse puts children in a position of betrayal. This betrayal damages the enduring bond that has formed between parent and child. And finally, children, under no circumstances, should be used as bargaining chips. It degrades parents and reduces the status of children to simple property.
2. Reassurance: Most parents are capable of meeting the needs of children during a divorce despite their own emotional turmoil. The basic needs of children such as food, shelter, and clothing do not change in the course of a divorce. However, divorce causes other changes. To weather the storm of change, children have to be reassured that they are loved and that they will be taken care of. They must be told repeatedly. Children are also reassured by information. However, the information must be structured to their age and, in any case, limited. For example, telling the children that you are divorcing is appropriate. Telling them why is not. Children are also reassured by structure. Regular schedules including bedtimes, meals, and time with each parent will do far more to supply reassurance than simple words.
3. Example: Children will handle the divorce process as well as the parents do. When parents succumb to the stresses of divorce and become dysfunctional, they will find that their children will as well. If, however, a parent appears to the children as a confident leader (in spite of internal turmoil), the children will be reassured and likely join the parent in facing the changes.
4. Monitoring: Finally, the development of the children must be monitored very closely during the divorce process. The divorce will normally delay the development of the children or actually cause regression. For example, children who have been successfully toilet trained may have a significant increase in the number of accidents. Children normally recover from these delays or regressions as their situation becomes more stable and predictable. However, severe regression or destructive behavior needs immediate attention such as counseling. For example, violent behavior directed at siblings or other children should be addressed immediately.
Attorney Sarah Hobson at Hobson and Hobson, P.C. are powerful advocates for those who fight for better futures for those going through divorce and custody law matters.