Parenting
UNDERSTANDING THE HIGH TOLL OF PARENTAL CONFLICT ON CHILDREN
(This blog is part 2 of a series. Read Part 1 and Part 3)
During and after your divorce, do everything you can to avoid fighting within earshot of the children. Parental conflict is extremely damaging to children. Your children will thrive after the dissolution of your marriage only if you and your spouse eliminate conflict. Show that you love your children more than you hate your spouse.A thirty year long study indicates that children who are exposed to parental conflict suffer severe developmental consequences. The detrimental consequences of parental conflict follow children into adulthood. Parental conflict has been shown to have the following effects on minor children:Lower academic achievement.More behavior problems.Poorer psychological adjustment.More negative self-concepts.More social difficulties.More problematic relationships with mothers and fathers.In adulthood, these individuals have:Lower psychological well-being.More behavioral problems.Less education.Lower job status and a lower standard of living.In addition, they are:More likely to never marry or have lower marital satisfaction.More likely not to have children.At a heightened risk for divorce.
TELLING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE DIVORCE AND HELPING THEM THROUGH THE INITIAL SEPARATION
At some point, you will need to tell your children that you and your spouse are divorcing. Here are some suggestions for approaching that topic and for helping your children cope with the changes that your separation will bring.Agree on time, place, and approach. Both parents should agree in advance on how, when, and where to discuss the divorce and what to tell the children. Professional help may be advisable if you and your spouse cannot agree.Wait until you are calm and in control of your emotions. Wait until you are sure that you are able to discuss the divorce with your children calmly and rationally. You must behave maturely and not reveal any anger, disappointment, fear, frustration, hurt, or blame. Watch your body language and tone of voice, in addition to the content of what you say:Tell the children together. As a general rule, both parents should tell the children together and all children should be told at the same time. Of course, there may be exceptions to this rule, such as situations involving domestic violence, when the children are widely separated in age, or when advised otherwise by a trusted therapist.Offer clear, honest explanations. Avoid burdening the children with elaborate details of your marital problems (i.e. affairs, sexual problems, money problems). You must avoid showing anger and disappointment at your spouse and fear about the future. Do not blame your spouse for the breakdown of your marriage.Reassure your children. Stress to each of your children that nothing they did or did not do caused your divorce. Make clear that the children cannot do anything to change your decision. Reassure your children that the divorce will not weaken the bond between you. Give your children permission to love both of you and assure your children that they are loved by both of you.Explain what to expect. Give your children a time frame for the dissolution and expected changes. Focus on what will happen to each child. Describe basic changes (i.e. living arrangements, financial changes, time with the other parent). Give your children a clear sense of an established place in each parent’s home (i.e. their own room, a place for toys, toiletries). Assure your children that you will tell them about all major developments and changes. Invite them to make suggestions that you will consider.Offer professional help. Tell children there are counselors with whom the child can consult confidentially with questions and help in addition to the parents; that the parents are also getting counseling to help. It is okay to need help and get help.
Attorney Sarah Hobson at Hobson and Hobson, P.C. are powerful advocates for those who fight for better futures for those going through divorce and custody law matters.
