Infants and children up to age 2 need to form secure emotional attachments with protective caregivers.
Security requires responsiveness and consistency. A baby younger than two months will usually respond to any caregiver, and from two to six months begins to recognize and prefer a primary caregiver. From seven months to two years, a child will actively seek preferred caregivers, and from fifteen to twenty-four months, may protest separation. Children may normally display distress on leaving one or both parents and upon return from one or both parents. Even babies will become frightened, clinging, and sensitive, and have sleep or eating disorders if the parents are emotionally unresponsive or aggressive due to their own emotional problems, if the parents fight or argue in front of the babies, or if the parents are abusive to each other. Parents should coordinate feeding and sleep schedules. The child needs a calm, safe, secure, and stable environment. Disputes over routines are detrimental to the child. The child needs frequent, consistent, stable scheduled contact with both parents. The child needs to learn to become independent and separate from the parents, and needs a reassuring, stable environment and established routines for transitions between parents. Failure to pay attention to these needs may cause a child to experience separation distress and parents to have disputes over neglect or abuse because of the child’s exhibited behaviors.
PARENTING PLAN SUGGESTIONS FOR INFANTS AND CHILDREN UP TO AGE 2
The younger the child, the shorter and more frequent should be the contact with the parent who is not the primary caregiver. If the parents can co-parent, extensive contact schedules with both parents can be developed. Parenting plan options could include frequent contacts with both parents, such as three contacts of three to six hours throughout the week, or two contacts of three to six hours and one overnight, progressing to greater contact with extended days and overnights. Overnights, even with a young child, maybe appropriate depending on how much contact the parent has had with the child, whether the child’s environment can be duplicated, and whether the other parent’s schedule permits. If possible, the same caretaker should be used when neither parent can be with the child. Try not to leave the child with unfamiliar caretakers or frequent environmental changes. If the parents can afford to hire help, they should use one nanny who goes back and forth between homes. Caretaking arrangements should be consistent, stable, and predictable for the young child. If the child is going to spend extensive time in two or more households, the child’s room should be as identical as possible in both households, down to the detergent used to wash the clothes and bedding, and soap to wash the child. The procedures and routine should also be as identical as possible. The child should have the same schedules of naps and bedtime, bath time, feeding, type of formula, etc. at both homes. Arguably, consistency of feeding and sleeping schedule is more important than the similar environment. The parents should consider keeping charts in a notebook to catalog the routine, eating times and amounts, bowel movements, sleep and wake cycles, and developmental milestones on a daily basis. This notebook should travel with the child. An every other weekend contact schedule is detrimental to the child at this stage as there is too much time between contacts. Possible problems to forming an attachment with care-givers that may be caused by overlooking this need for frequent contact include failure to bond with the parents and separation anxiety during time away from the primary care-giver.
WHAT CHILDREN AGES 3 TO 5 NEED
Children of this age are exploring their environment and their imagination. They have no sense of time so the parenting plan and frequency of contact should be the same as for younger children. In addition, if one parent leaves, they may fear and worry that the other parent may leave as well. During the divorce, the children may regress to baby behavior, thumb sucking, clinging, bedwetting, wanting to be fed, and wanting a bottle. Conflicts between the parents may lead the child to self-blame, nightmares, acting out, temper tantrums, destructive behavior, withdrawing, and depression. As with younger children, children in the age range from 3 to 5 need safety, stability, and routine. However, because of the fears caused by chaotic changes in their lives, they may also need to be able to ask questions and receive age-appropriate answers to reassure them. The parents may need interventions and expert assistance from mental health professionals to explore the questions and answers with the child and how to reassure the child. Children at this age have a self-focused view of the world and suffer self-blame and depression and other behaviors. If the child develops such problems with no apparent cause other than the parents’ divorce, the parents need professional help to be able to properly parent during the divorce. A mental health professional can then assess if the child needs interventions as well.
PARENTING PLAN SUGGESTIONS FOR CHILDREN AGES 3 TO 5
Parenting plan options should continue to focus on predictability, routine, and structure, with a daily schedule. Caretaking arrangements should be consistent, stable, and predictable for the young child. Toilet training methods need to be the same. The child needs the same routine, eating, activities, and bedtime. Structure is important and the structure should be the same in both homes. Children at this age begin to recognize holidays and days of special meaning, which should be divided in the parenting plan beginning at this stage of the child’s development. Preschoolers need predictability and frequent assurance when they will see the other parent to prevent separation anxiety. The same calendar highlighted with the days with each parent in different colors (e.g., pink for mom and blue for dad) in each home will give the child a reference point. Changes should be minimal. Like infants and toddlers, the child still needs continuity, consistency, and familiarity. The child may be fine with adding two night weekends to the weekday contacts and may be fine with one week blocks of time in the summer and during school vacations.
WHAT CHILDREN AGES 6 TO 8 NEED
During the parents’ divorce, children aged six to eight need to be able to love both parents, without guilt, shame, blame, or being drawn into a loyalty conflict. One parent can cause great harm by letting the child know the foibles of or speaking ill of the other parent. The child needs contact and emotional attachment to both parents, whether or not one parent believes the other parent deserves to have that contact or emotional attachment. The child of this age is learning competency and self-concept development is taking place. These children will feel intense grief and sadness at the divorce, crying and mourning when a parent leaves, even if they did not have a close, loving, positive relationship with the leaving parent. The reunification of the parents is a dream and goal and the children may become parental caretakers, too helpful, or too good. The children need to be shielded from conflict and information regarding the divorce so they may grow and develop. Possible problems include telling each parent what he or she may want to hear rather than the truth or reality. The children may become preoccupied, inattentive, or act out in school, and may profess ailments or dislike of school to avoid school because of feelings of incompetence and inadequacy in the family’s problems. The school should be made aware of the divorce.
PARENTING PLAN SUGGESTIONS FOR CHILDREN AGES 6 TO 8
Parenting plans should consider that young school-age children are in a period of transition and self-discovery, learning to choose friends and becoming independent by attending school. School can be used for smooth transitions between homes. Periods of time in each home where the child is separated from the other parent can begin to extend to up to four to five days depending on the maturity and needs of the child and the child’s success with such separation, but with both parents involved with the school and related requirements. Caretaking arrangements should be consistent, stable, and predictable for the younger school-age child. School-age children need responsible as well as recreational time with both of parents and responsibility at both homes. Both parents need to be committed to school as a priority with time set aside for homework, each parent making sure homework is completed when the child is at his or her home, and a reasonable bedtime. Extended summertime with both parents, with contact with both parents during the extended time may be appropriate. Both parents should carpool and supervise activities to remain actively involved in the children’s lives.
WHAT CHILDREN AGES 9 TO 12 NEED
Children in this age group are beginning to concentrate on peers and are developing gender identity. They have developed an ability to think and reason, so they will make judgments about who is right and who is wrong and exhibit strong anger, taking sides with one parent and blaming the other for the divorce. Self-esteem and identity issues can result from alienation or abandonment by one of the parents. The child needs strong and significant contact and involvement with both parents: the same-sex parent for role identity and the opposite sex parent for socialization. Conflicts between the parents can have lasting detrimental effects, loss of self-esteem, and poor sense of identity. During the parents’ divorce, children of this age also need to be able to love both parents, without guilt, shame, blame, or being drawn into a loyalty conflict. One parent can cause great harm in criticizing or blaming the other parent rather than allowing the child freedom for contact and emotional attachment to both parents, whether or not the parent believes the other parent deserves to have that contact or emotional attachment. As with both younger and older children, the school should be made aware of the divorce. The child may have physical complaints that interfere with school attendance and the divorce may cause peer and school difficulties.
PARENTING PLAN SUGGESTIONS FOR CHILDREN AGES 9 TO 12
Parenting plans should consider that school-age children are in a period of transition and self-discovery. Friends become more important in their life. Their developing values are tested in school and home environments. Older school-age children see-saw between dependence and independence. School can be used for smooth transitions between homes. Periods of time in each home where the child is separated from the other parent can begin to extend to up to five days, depending on the maturity and needs of the child and the child’s success with such separation, but with both parents involved with the school and related requirements. Like younger school-age children, older school-age children need responsible as well as recreational time with both parents and responsibility at both homes. Both parents need to be committed to school as a priority with time set aside for homework, each parent making sure homework is completed when the child is at his or her home, and a reasonable bedtime. Extended summertime with both parents, with contact with both parents during the extended time may be appropriate. Both parents should carpool and supervise activities to remain actively involved in the children’s lives. Caretaking arrangements should continue to be consistent, stable, and predictable for the school-age child.
WHAT CHILDREN AGES 13 TO 18 NEED
This age group is separating from the family and shifting loyalty to peer groups. The parents’ divorce may speed this shift and expose a child of this age, with little judgment, conscience, or fear, to involvement in drugs, alcohol, truancy, and sexual acting out. The child may use both parents’ lack of communication and conflict to engage in these activities without consequence. The child will mourn and show sadness over the loss of the family and fear that the child’s future may be affected by the divorce, such as less money available for college. Rather than reduced parental supervision, the parents need to increase supervision, boundaries and set limits as role models. The children will model the parents’ behavior and be quick to condemn their behavior. How the parents conduct themselves during the divorce will have lasting effects on the children’s future trust in others and in relationships. The children need to know that their parents can still work together as a team in parenting, with clear, agreed upon expectations and boundaries, monitoring of school, and social involvement.
PARENTING PLAN SUGGESTIONS FOR CHILDREN AGES 13 TO 18
Parenting plans should consider that adolescent-age children are in a crisis period of transition and self-discovery. Friends become most important in their life, and they see-saw between feeling invincible and vulnerable. The adolescent in search for independence tests values in school and at home. Despite trying to be adults, their decisions about alcohol, drugs, sex, social groups, school performance, and love interests require close parental supervision and communication between parents. School can be used for smooth transitions between homes. Periods of time in each home where the child is separated from the other parent can extend to up to seven days during the school year, depending on the maturity and needs of the child and the child’s success with the separation. But with both parents should be involved with the school and related requirements. Caretaking arrangements should continue to be consistent, stable, and predictable for the adolescent. However, the adolescent will want and need to participate in the determination of a time-sharing schedule and assert control when he or she can. The adolescent will think a time-sharing schedule is “fair” if he or she participated in its development. Although the adolescent wants a continuing and meaningful relationship with family members, the adolescent wants it on his or her terms and with a home base where friends can easily find him or her. Adolescents want their parents to be available for them more than they want to be available to their parents. They perceive the world revolving around their needs and desires, and they will be quick to assess the fairness of their treatment at Mom’s house and Dad’s house. They also will assess the fairness of how they and their siblings are treated versus how step-siblings and half-siblings are treated. The adolescent will be quick to judge a parent, whether deserved or not deserved. When they have “wheels” or a friend has “wheels,” time-sharing rules should include consistent, common, enforced rules with predictable consistently enforced consequences, concerning curfew, communication of their whereabouts with parents, and even a “contract” between the parents and child as to safety concerns. Having the child participate in mediation for the development of the parenting plan should be a consideration.
Attorney Sarah Hobson at Hobson and Hobson, P.C. are powerful advocates for those who fight for better futures for those going through divorce and custody law matters.
