Divorce
“You don’t have to live this way!” Perhaps you have heard this recently from a friend or family member.
Many times a friend or family member will say, “Why don’t you just leave?” But by saying “Just leave,” it shows us that they don’t really grasp the weight – psychological, financial, or spiritual weight- of being in your circumstance.
We want you to know whether you are in it now or have been in that circumstance in the past; there really is no judgment here.
We understand how challenging, how difficult it can be to come out of an unhealthy relationship. Ultimately it’s for each person to determine how they see themselves, how they see their relationship, and how they see their options for change.
Here at Hobson and Hobson our vision is a world where everyone is wanted, protected, and loved in their home.
Ask yourself, “Am I able to be myself in this person’s presence?”, “Am I constantly walking on eggshells?” “Do I have to watch each word for fear of their response, or am I free to express myself?”
I do want to acknowledge that once a person makes a decision to leave and starts making plans for their new life, a controlling or abusive partner may sense or uncover that plan. If there is violence in the relationship, it might escalate. Therefore, it is not for anyone else to set a timeline for you or to make those decisions for you. We want you to be safe and want you to be loved in a healthy way.
Along with physical threats or concerns about violence that can keep us feeling stuck or like prisoners in unhealthy relationships, there may also be a number of psychological, cultural, or religious barriers in leaving relationships that are not healthy for us.
Let’s talk about unhealthy relationships, knowing that they are not limited to physical violence. An unhealthy, or toxic relationship can be unhealthy emotionally, or it may involve verbal abuse, financial abuse, manipulation, silencing, and on and on.
I want you to know that you are worthy of honor, you are worthy of safety, you are worthy of authentic love. In authentic love, you do not have to fear the person who claims to love you.
So what are some of the challenges to leaving an unhealthy relationship?
1- The longer you are in an unhealthy relationship, you can become disconnected from yourself and can lose your confidence and even your clarity about who you are because such a relationship over time, breaks you down. That’s where we at Hobson & Hobson step in to fight for you.
After years of verbal abuse- put-downs and insults, maybe the person even told you that no one else will want you or will call you names, insult your intelligence, insult your attractiveness -all of these things can really leave a person in a place of feeling powerless, discouraged, hopeless or just tired. If you’re just trying to navigate and survive each conversation, each interaction, it’s draining. Trying to begin the process of recreating your life can feel overwhelming or impossible.
I encourage those who feel defeated within your relationship to think about how a loving relationship should make a person feel. Does being with this person make me feel worse or better about myself? What does it mean to be respected? What does it mean to be cared for?
Consider and have compassion for yourself. You may feel exhausted, defeated, discouraged. We encourage friends or family members not to add to that by putting you down. Not to refer to someone who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship as weak or stupid or insulting them in any way. Some people think they’re giving “Tough Love”, but a person who is in an unhealthy relationship is already experiencing so much toughness and harshness, so to add to that is to further dismantle a person, disconnect them from themselves.
I want you to know that whatever the circumstances, however your life’s journey has led you to this point, that we are here to lift you up. We know that there is more to you than how you have been treated.
Sometimes it can become confusing because we can start to believe, “If I really deserved better, people would treat me better, so if they don’t treat me better, I must not deserve it.”
I want you to know that’s a lie. I want to encourage you to really try to separate how you are being treated, from who you are at your core.
2- The second thing that can be really challenging and make it hard to leave a toxic relationship is trying to be understanding, trying to work on the marriage. We are often told growing up that relationships are work, you can’t quit, or that people today are too quick to give up. There’s a difference between working together to try to understand differences in each other’s personalities, upbringing or a difficult period they may be going through, and having someone intentionally try to break your spirit. At that point you are trying to protect your very mind, heart, body and spirit from destruction.
If you are someone who prides yourself on being a good listener, being caring, that can lead you to a place of arrogance. No matter how badly someone treats you, thinking that your love is going to win them over. Saying “I’m not going to give up. I’m just going to keep loving you more no matter how you treat me.”
I want you to know that a relationship is meant to be mutual. It’s meant to be reciprocal. It’s meant for both people to be able to grow and to be nourished and to be loved and to be supported.
This is an important time for us to look at the examples that we have been given and the legacy that we are leaving for our children.
3- The previous examples deal with insecurities, but If you are accustomed to being successful that can be another roadblock to leaving a bad relationship. If you have had success in other areas of your life, you may think “When I put my mind to something I can make it work.” “I put my mind to school, my career, my other relationships. I can make it work.” If you are goal-oriented or success-oriented and you end up in a relationship that is not working out you may put pressure on yourself to solve issues that are unsolvable. Then you end up exhausting yourself, draining yourself, judging yourself by saying “I must be doing something wrong.” “I have what it takes.”
Think about releasing perfectionism, releasing the illusion of control. When you’re dealing with another adult, each person has control over themselves. That person is not your project or mission to “fix”. You may be trying to make someone into a person they don’t want to be. Sometimes we fall for a person’s potential. A partner is not a project.
4- Another difficulty in leaving an unhealthy relationship is it’s not all bad all the time. In some ways it would be easier if the person was always mean, always putting you down, always violent. There can be moments of happiness that bring to mind the partner’s good qualities that attracted you in the first place. So you think you’re making progress, and it’s not so bad.
We also want to be mindful that manipulation is also a reality in some relationships. He or she can intentionally give you some of what you want to hear or what you want to believe as a way of keeping you hooked. Think about how few and far between are the good moments? When there is an apology is it actually sincere? When an apology is sincere it will follow along with a change in behavior.
5. – In social psychology, there’s a term called “sunken cost”. It means that the more you invest in something: money, time or energy, the harder it is to let it go. You may say “Well I put all this work in and then if I divorce him/her someone else is going to benefit from all my work”.
If you have that kind of thinking I just encourage you to consider not only the amount of time and energy you put into the relationship, but if it remains as it is, is that enough? Are you safe? Are you fulfilled? Maybe you have put in a lot, but maybe you had to disconnect from yourself.
That’s not for anyone to decide but you. Consider what is the cost of being in this relationship. The cost to myself, the cost to my children. Not only financial cost, but emotionally, psychologically, sometimes even your physical health can suffer.
6. Finally, sometimes people hold on even when it’s unhealthy or unfulfilling because they can’t imagine being alone. The fear of the unknown, and if life will be any better than what it is right now. Have you adjusted to your feelings not mattering? Have you adjusted to dysfunction?
These are questions only you can answer, in your own time. And when you are ready to make a step, we will be your strong defenders and guide you through the process toward your new life.
We want you to know that you are worthy of life, you are worthy of breath, you are worthy of compassion, you are worthy of love.
Attorney Sarah Hobson at Hobson and Hobson, P.C. are powerful advocates for those who fight for better futures for those going through divorce and custody law matters.